15 Mar Mothering Through My Mother Wound
Mothering Through My Mother Wound
I’ve had two experiences of motherhood; one with my biological mom and one with my stepmom. You’d think that the abundance of experiences I’ve been blessed with would set me up to ace this motherhood journey with flying colours. Yet, so far, both of those experiences, while complicated and beautiful along the way, have predominantly left me empty. So, how the heck do you mother from a place like that?
It’s been an incredible, forged by fire journey, and so I want to share some lessons and takeaways I’ve learnt about mothering through my mother wound over the past 5 years.
Embrace Grief
Grief is constant. Not constant like a heavy state that doesn’t shift, but one that comes and goes in waves. For every milestone that my children reach or a new level in motherhood I get to, I’m saddened by not having a mother to share those experiences with. Before therapy, I could not put my finger on the cycle. I couldn’t identify it, nor could I name it, much less handle it. I also couldn’t recognize when I was grieving my loss or my children’s loss of a present grandmother. Through therapy, now I know when the wave is coming and how to ride the wave successfully.
Get Therapy
This leads me to my next lesson. Probably should be on the same level as number one, but anyway. The effects of the mother wound are real. You can’t pray, journal or sleep it away, especially if the closure you need is not one you’re able to get. Therapy has done wonders for helping me work through what I’m feeling, learning the vocabulary I need to ask for what I need, and deciding what kind of mother I want to be to my children.
You can create a new story.
What terrified me the most was how much impact mothers have on their children. Of course, it’s ridiculous now that I know better, but I believed I was to be blamed entirely for the breakdown in my relationship with my mother, and if I was the problem, then clearly, I would pass this on to my children. Don’t believe the lies. You get to set a new path for your children. You get to be accessible, responsive, and in-tune with your children, even if you didn’t have that. And I’ve found through the muddy waters of choosing to do that for my children, I grasp the tools I need to reparent myself.
Not all mothers and daughters turn out to be best friends.
The shame you have to overcome to embrace that statement is huge. Society automatically expects mother-daughter relationships to be perfect, symbiotic and pain-free. But, unfortunately, we don’t talk enough about the toxic and challenging relationships that mothers and daughters often have, and so when you’re in the thick of it, shame washes over your soul. This is one of the reasons I hated being pregnant because naturally, people expect that your mom must be over the moon or she’s already booked a ticket to wherever you are to catch the baby as it’s born. And they’re not wrong.
If nobody ever gets the chance to tell you, don’t be ashamed. Find safe, secure places to let that pain out because we overcome shame by no longer feeling we have to hide our story.
Create your community
So many people are willing and ready to embrace you and your family if you let them. My mother wasn’t at any of the birth of my children, but I was never alone. The room was filled with women who walked with me during labour, prayed for me, fed me and were the firsts to hold our boys. So don’t let what you think everything “should be” stop you from realizing and enjoying what is. Open your eyes and heart to the people around you who want to be there for you and let them.
Stay open, gentle and always ready to forgive
The journey will have its ups and downs; that’s a given. However, your openness to celebrate the highs and be still in the lows will set you up for success. Forgive and never stop forgiving. Let the joy and innocence that your children bring wash over your heart and keep you open to love until you learn to hold love with an open hand, giving it the freedom to be here today and gone tomorrow.