12 Aug 5 Things Your Husband Wish You Knew About Him
Have you ever wondered why your husband find it difficult to talk about his emotions with you, especially in those times when you feel like you need to know what’s going on in his mind so you can understand him? Well, don’t take it too personal but most men struggle in this area because as boys we were taught to be tough, never show weakness or if we cared too much or actually connected with our emotions we’d be considered less than masculine, aka a sissy. Unfortunately in most cases we never had the opportunity to develop the vocabulary to help us share how we really feel. Trust me I have been there. But while this is true for the most part let me assure you that your man does communicate and desire deeply to let you know that he cares even more than you realise. Below are five things he wish you knew about him that might help you understand and connect with him better:
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He wants to be emotionally connected more than you think.
His routines work because you’re a part of his life, he feels connected with you even if he’s not doing something with you, your presence is more than enough.
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He’s fighting the feeling of failure most days.
He is constantly fighting what is called a “Cortisol Rush” whenever he’s dealing with anything that triggers a negative emotion which causes hyper arousal. This causes him to transition into a fight or flight mode to protect himself from anything negative in the environment or the feeling of failure and the shame that comes with it.
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He wants you to respect his routine
Compared to most wives who can multitask very well, husbands prefer routines because it prevents them from experiencing abrupt arousal (cortisol rush) and the shame that comes with it. When tasks are done repeatedly they can be done on autopilot, this helps him think less on the routine things and helps optimize his focus more on whatever else he needs to get done. It lessens the possibility of failing which prevents feeling ashamed. When your husband breaks routine it’s easier to lose focus which makes him feel like he won’t accomplish tasks as competently. Honor your husbands’s routine. When you support it he feels loved by you and connected to you.
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He was taught not to be emotionally sensitive
In most cultures men are mostly taught how to protect, provide and prove their strength. Taking the time to develop language that can effectively communicate how he feels was not an option and if he did, he would be considered a wimp or a sissy. In most cases he was taught how to win and conquer, not how to consider how the person who lost the game was feeling. While not all men are like this, you may want to adjust your expectations about his emotional sensitivity and help him understand them better.
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Lack of eye contact does not mean he doesn’t love you
It’s easy for most women to think that a lack of eye contact while speaking to her husband means that he’s not interested in what she’s saying or he no longer loves you but that can be far from the truth. Since birth, boys avoid long periods of eye contact due to high amounts of cortisol that can be triggered and this causes a feeling of discomfort. Cortisol is the same hormone in the body that when it is triggered tells a man that he needs to move into fight or flight mode or to protect those around him. Sometimes to have the best conversation with him is to do it while he’s active.
Hopefully this gave you and inside look on how husbands process life on a general basis. This may not be the case with all of us but it might help with those who are still struggling to communicate their thoughts and emotions in an effective way.
If this was helpful for you. Please leave a comment and let me know what other areas you’d like some more insight on.
See you next week when I share about Provider Shame and how it affects men.